I cannot utter my words and find the right ones. Because there may never be such words to describe, how I've fallen to you so dearly. Or they just simply slip away when you get into the picture. However for quite some time now, these words have been hiding. I hope it finds a way to get to you. I don't want to keep them forever, to no avail. It's just a message, a letter, a hymn of a heart genuine to its intention. To all the sense of it, it cannot live without.

For the one who conquered me, I am forever your colony. Like the golden times, you are immortal in my memory. I wanted to believe, and I put all my faith to worship you. To you, I send my prayers... For the hopes of tomorrow and thank you for this life today.

That chance while I was with you, I appreciated every second, giving me a few times to dwell on those moments, for my heart to recall when you're not already with me. I reminisce them where I can visit and live there momentarily. I'll treasure your pictures I have taken from the flashes of our time together. I'll be staying with your memories, and live with them. Like to the thought always being told, Life is short, and I know, I can somehow get through. I just have to count these years... and smile. For the reason that, all of the years to come... I am dedicating them all for you. Through all times, you are the one that keeps me alive. And up to this very moment, you are my life. Let it be the end of it.

All my hopes and reasons why I still have to keep going, it all comes down to you. For the causes, and things my heart keeps on believing. Continuously beating for you, forever, it stays clueless that you'll never come. Sometimes, as I try to stop falling deeply, it is my world that halts with your every motion. Unconscious, I am left out of nowhere without any emotion, only to realize that you're gone. Out of time, I don't know where I am right now. I am lost, and almost none of hope, finding that place in your heart. Yet still, I don't care if I spend my whole life searching for an answer or even if I don't get there at all. In this dreams I revolve around you, because I am that stupid. And I don't want a way out. I bleed to be lost forever about the thoughts of you.

For all what is left, so I have to close my eyes just to see yours. And when I see through them, they seem like the sky to me. It pulls me in and easily I go empty. Calm and free, I desire to keep them... And at night they look like those of the stars we can never catch. But that reminds me I'm still breathing. Like the north star, they are my direction, my way when I don't know where to go. When all things go wrong, I'll just have to look up, and I remember you. You don't have to be here... never did. Though you are not on my sight, my heart sees you. I just have to close my eyes, and my soul draws your face. It's such a pretty view I'd almost forget what's real. I would disregard everything, and imagine. It's an illusion where I'm indulged in, into your eyes where I'm drowning. So I'll fight for my life today to make another day. A more promising tomorrow, expecting a time when I may have a chance to feel the real thing. To see your eyes again, decorating my view. I'll stare much more at you so I won't miss a thing, and I won't miss you. So together with the moon and the stars, I can sleep with a dream of you yet again, and finally drown there.

Keep smiling. I know you are. Send them to me when I'm in despair and disbelief. For whenever I think about how you smile, it all becomes light and warm. It is always the center of my attraction... Like where the sun sits, your smile brightens everything. You make me alive, and everything around of me. You make this world so beautiful. It softens my heart at the arrests of thousand depressions. At the middle of all things, it is the center of my ideas. It is always the starting line to all my endeavors. Because all my aspirations, the real reason behind them... is you.

In countless ways, I fall into my knees with your charms. I can walk through pains and stand through storms, but I become weak and helpless in front of you. Like a spell was casted upon I cannot break. That to you, I am so vulnerable, I have no resistance. Defenseless, you can occupy me into slavery. You can take everything away and I'll give them up with no hesitation. Without anything in return nor an expectation. You are my highness. You are my queen.

Your name is something I will never forget, nor tire of whispering among the soft winds that become one with the world. Each letter of it is like a piece of a puzzle. Put them all together and it completes my being. When it is spoken, it softly turns to music as they come right to my ears. When the winds whisper them, it carries my dreams to the sky, so I can kiss the heaven and afford a smile. It is as lovely as you. They may not find it in any book or vocabulary, but turn into my memory, it is the most special word, and maybe the only word it knows.

All the moments I had been with you, I memorized them. The happiest days of my life, it has been so good to remember. Since then, everything changed. Around me, it is all about you. Naturally and effortless, you make me instantly content. You are the remedy to my insecurities. You are a prerequisite to happiness, and my only condition to survive. There is no any other.

If there is not a room for waiting, and nothing can save me, it doesn't matter. If ever I don't realize the right place or the right time, so to belong to you I plead, till the rest of my days. And even though goodbyes are certain to happen, I just couldn't tell mine simply because I cannot live without you. Maybe there will never be a right time. Reality goes, unacceptable though I already know. Sad to think I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck outside your door without any guarantee. It feels like forever, draining me, more difficult than being empty. And to keep enduring them until I've got nothing left.. I desire I can foretell, and be not in vain. But to have somehow known you, and felt you, is already magical.

Envious to them, I'd give up everything if only I can be with you. My whole existence is on the line. That they are lucky. But if they start to hurt you, and everything goes wrong, just tell me... Because I would sell my soul just to see you happy.

Take care of yourself, always.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Before the journey even began, the thing I was already preparing for, and had been worrying and wondering about, is how it's going to end. No one else can commit to, I molded myself upon chasing all aspects of perfection, in my own definition, in preparation for the greatest battle of my life.

To think it was the finest opportunity, in an overview I saw the most transparent look. One night, on the other side of realm for an attempt to conquer with only little advantage, it was all darkness and a little light. But it is to me, as a declaration of freedom something worthy to die for. Once in my lifetime that I gave myself not a choice, but to pursue. Not even asking myself nor a second thought, I only trusted my instinct. It was almost a matter of win or lose, life or death. For the love of her.

Standing still I ought to move to find the perfect approach. Equipping my faith with all courage it needed. The devotion was absolute. Clearing all the paths where I must walk, I was almost blind with each step. And i took it like to the vision of what it was in my dreams, I didn't care much if it was false belief. I was in a hurry of chasing that vision, for the possibility may change over time and circumstances.

Behind for almost all throughout the process, I was trailing in the deepest part. The odds are smaller but I had to gamble. By any means I did to keep it close, with the hunt almost endless. Even at the last minute, I trailed, though I may have the last shot. In my grasp, is absolution or maybe desolation. It can't be stolen away, and I tighten the grip to embrace the moment. Everything was like a slow motion scene, in a count-off, for a trade-off. I took all the proper time. And I was set, to the final moment. i gasped, and under its way... and beyond and it goes.

As it was on, i was sure i let loose of it perfectly. and i thought about winning... I must. I held my breath slowly giving up air as it revealed the real worries of my heart. The world stopped for a moment. My eyes, closed, before the truth in front of me. Knees stumbling to the ground; too weak to face it, I was hoping it went on like I imagined it would be.

Till it's time. The story has to be told. Slowly, I opened my eyes... and blurry for awhile. It took a second before I finally realized. Though I knew it right from the start, my hope was floating, believing. To see is to believe, and I believe it now. The attempt... rimmed out. My defeat was agreed upon from above. It seemed a waste of breath. Everything for naught. Everything fell apart. Left speechless, my thought was, no matter when, no matter what, it may all be just the same.

Said and done, the fall was a good thing. The heaviness of the feelings and the intensity that went along with, probably are the best to happen in my entire life. And having that chance is a winner after all. It is the rightest thing I have ever done. I fail for reasons but I don't make excuses. If there is something to realize, I know I already knew it right from the start. Risk my faith because I seek for freedom. I seek for the truth. I seek for the meaning of my life. There can really be no justice. Only absolution.

There are those things we want to have. Then there are those things that we need to have. And sometimes, what we need is only one true thing. And whatever we already have which we wanted then the most, we are now in favour of losing it all only for a trade-off to that one special thing. Longing day by day, and going through some sleepless nights that gradually drain the hope; asking about why we couldn't have it. In the thinking of deserving it or not. Realizing there is a fact that in life, there are things never meant to happen. For the world is not yours alone.

Some changed for the better or for the worse, or fell to insanity; while some poured all tears, endured every rush of pain before letting go. Some persevere, into their pursuit of what happiness meant to them. Finding themselves gone to the part, where they constantly dream; either in their sleep or by the day awake. From time to time, retreating from reality, settling to some place we call Neverland. Where we're control of our own world, discovering the happiness together with the ones we love, that sometimes we regret we dreamed too happy. Coming into our senses again, only to hurt ourselves realizing the sad truth.

However, for some fantasies to turn real, now and again, we must believe first before it can actually happen. No matter the distance of what you're trying to reach, only time may have the answers. We tend to ask; would we get there? Would we get it? Nobody knows, just yet. Grasping all the hopes with great faith, we hang ourselves to carry on. To the fulfillment of our existence, and of our own being's completeness, we seek the reason. Blankly we thought, still; Only to be frustrated, as we finally turn our faith down.

Somehow and often, there are no perfect answers to the questions of life. The decision what to believe in what is right or real is always ours. Sometimes, to resolve something, we just have to leave it right there at the corner, unanswered. Sooner or later, at their own right time, all the answers will reveal themselves. Or maybe we would then find out that it was never really answered, because we didnít have to. We realize that we don't need the answer anymore.