Before the journey even began, the thing I was already preparing for, and had been worrying and wondering about, is how it's going to end. No one else can commit to, I molded myself upon chasing all aspects of perfection, in my own definition, in preparation for the greatest battle of my life.
To think it was the finest opportunity, in an overview I saw the most transparent look. One night, on the other side of realm for an attempt to conquer with only little advantage, it was all darkness and a little light. But it is to me, as a declaration of freedom something worthy to die for. Once in my lifetime that I gave myself not a choice, but to pursue. Not even asking myself nor a second thought, I only trusted my instinct. It was almost a matter of win or lose, life or death. For the love of her.
Standing still I ought to move to find the perfect approach. Equipping my faith with all courage it needed. The devotion was absolute. Clearing all the paths where I must walk, I was almost blind with each step. And i took it like to the vision of what it was in my dreams, I didn't care much if it was false belief. I was in a hurry of chasing that vision, for the possibility may change over time and circumstances.
Behind for almost all throughout the process, I was trailing in the deepest part. The odds are smaller but I had to gamble. By any means I did to keep it close, with the hunt almost endless. Even at the last minute, I trailed, though I may have the last shot. In my grasp, is absolution or maybe desolation. It can't be stolen away, and I tighten the grip to embrace the moment. Everything was like a slow motion scene, in a count-off, for a trade-off. I took all the proper time. And I was set, to the final moment. i gasped, and under its way... and beyond and it goes.
As it was on, i was sure i let loose of it perfectly. and i thought about winning... I must. I held my breath slowly giving up air as it revealed the real worries of my heart. The world stopped for a moment. My eyes, closed, before the truth in front of me. Knees stumbling to the ground; too weak to face it, I was hoping it went on like I imagined it would be.
Till it's time. The story has to be told. Slowly, I opened my eyes... and blurry for awhile. It took a second before I finally realized. Though I knew it right from the start, my hope was floating, believing. To see is to believe, and I believe it now. The attempt... rimmed out. My defeat was agreed upon from above. It seemed a waste of breath. Everything for naught. Everything fell apart. Left speechless, my thought was, no matter when, no matter what, it may all be just the same.
Said and done, the fall was a good thing. The heaviness of the feelings and the intensity that went along with, probably are the best to happen in my entire life. And having that chance is a winner after all. It is the rightest thing I have ever done. I fail for reasons but I don't make excuses. If there is something to realize, I know I already knew it right from the start. Risk my faith because I seek for freedom. I seek for the truth. I seek for the meaning of my life. There can really be no justice. Only absolution.